If you don't have anything smart to say, then please don't talk!

My wish for Christmas is for the sports broadcasters to get brains. They simply regurgitate the same meaningless information propagated by their mother ship, which in almost all cases is ESPN. Typically at thee networks, the same game notes go to the entire network staff about all of the games, allowing them to perpetuate whatever beliefs, or myths, the author of such notes believes his or herself.

I am personally dealing with the repercussions of their idiocy at this very moment watching the Champs Sports Bowl, featuring Wisconsin and Florida State. Unfortunately, these brainiacs have been talking about FSU's speed all day long. It's like a two-year old who learns a new word and chooses to use that word, even when it's completely inappropriate. In this case, Wisconsin attempted a screen pass, which became a lateral, which became a fumble, which was then recovered by FSU linebacker Derek Nicholson for a touchdown. Truthfully, it had nothing to do with speed. And I wouldn't be that irritated with the broadcasters' observation of Florida State's speed on that play if it hadn't been for how much it irritated my father. He has been yelling at "those idiots" ever since and I can no longer watch the game in peace.

An Ode to Graham Harrell

Mike Leach is right when it comes to the politics of the greatest honor in college football: the Heisman Trophy. It is a shame that Graham Harrell won't be in New York on Saturday to share in the presentation of the award for which he deserved to be recognized as a finalist. So here is what I have to say...

4747: An Ode to Graham Harrell

So you didn't hit the numbers you had last year
five seven zero five and forty-eight to be clear
but you did lead your team to a top ten spot
and you were one game shy of playing for the pot

forty-one passes that went for six
while just seven of your passes went for picks
harrell to crabtree, such a beautiful sight
406 passes completed leads the country alright

but mccoy completed over 77% of what he threw
and he doesn't just throw, he can run the ball too
and sam bradford has earned a spot in the title game
with 186.3-- his Q-B rating is insane

as for tim tebow, his numbers really don't impress
he leads his team well but he's not better than the rest
with percy harvin and that defense, there's talent galore
but the media is a great customer and florida's a whore

so the question is, graham harrell, where does that leave you?
In the record books for one and a bowl game for two
but more importantly if you show up at the combine to impress
In a football uniform on Sundays, you just might be dressed.

Plaxico Burress: A Story of Inspiration

As odd as it seems, Plaxico Burress has inspired my fantasy football league. We already have a Moral Enforcer to punish those teams that own players who commit crimes. But now we have instated a new division of enforcement thanks in large part to the man who shot himself in his leg with his own gun. Let me introduce you all to our new Moron Enforcer, Christina. A prosecutor by day. Christina will be imposing fines against those who act like complete idiots. In this case, Plaxico's owner would be under double penalties. First, if convicted, he will be fined by our Moral Enforcer, Malia, for the act of carrying a concealed weapon. In addition, regardless of the outcome of the legal proceedings, he will also be fined by our Moron Enforcer for the act of shooting himself. Over the years, many football players have given us plenty of sources for creating new fantasy football rules. But this one is truly a gift.

Issues Governed by the Moron Enforcer:
1. Acts performed on oneself, that while not illegal, if done by said individual to another person would be considered a criminal act. Penalty $5.
2. Having unprotected sex which results in requests for child support payments when the paternity of the child is either uncertain or seriously in doubt. Penalty $1.
3. Getting hurt during a game due to an act of celebration. Penalty $1.
4. Missing one game or more due to an injury incurred outside of football that could be considered foolish. Please note that riding a motorcycle is a per se violation of this section four. Penalty $3.
5. Getting stabbed or shot by your girlfriend, aka "The William Green Rule." Penalty $7.
6. Ending up on Page Six of the New York Post. Penalty $1.
7. Beginning a touchdown celebration before scoring the touchdown and not scoring the touchdown as a result of such celebration, aka "The DeSean Jackson Rule." Penalty $2.

It's Not Fair!!!

"Whhaaaahhh...it's not fair." If I have to hear that statement from grown men one more time, I might just jump off my 27th floor balcony for fear that there aren't any real men out there anymore. So it's not fair that Notre Dame didn't fire Charlie Weiss because they fired Tyrone Willingham? Seriously? Seriously, this is your argument? Boys, please grow up and realize that life is not fair. In a sport where coaches can get fired just a year after signing an extension, where the average tenure of an FBS coach in 2008 was 4.7 years and where guys like Nick Saban are outraged at the lack of loyalty to college football coaches, I'm not certain what is supposed to be fair. To set the record straight on Willingham (who is an amazing scout of quarterback talent and perhaps should take his skills to the NFL), he was not Notre Dame's guy, but hired because the idiots on the hiring committee failed to check George O'Leary's resume. Anyone who has applied for a job in the last few years understands how ridiculous this incident was because the rest of us are screened with an assumption that we are lying, on drugs and may have committed a dangerous crime in order to submit a simple job application. Regardless, Ty saved the day for the Irish and made them look good after that embarrassing debacle. As we move on to Ty's firing, I repeat, he was not Notre Dame's guy. And when those same idiots on the hiring committee decided they wanted Urban Meyer, they had no choice but to fire Willingham and open the door for Meyer to spit in their faces. That arrogance that made them believe they could have any coach is what made them prematurely fire Willingham--it wasn't simply about his record. After the Meyer incident, enter Charlie Weiss as the latest savior. He wasn't Notre Dame's guy either, but those in power wanted to believe that this time they got lucky. They didn't. They are idiots. Yes, it really is as simple as that for all of you conspiracy theorists out there. But, if there's one smart move they made this year it was NOT to fire Charlie Weiss. The reason? Who the heck are they going to hire instead? There are approximately 17 (I repeat, SEVENTEEN) head football coaching positions available at FBS schools at this moment. The competition for the best coaches is fierce. And why should a beaten down Irish organization that has only won 9 games the last two seasons try to compete with Auburn, Clemson, Tennessee, Washington, Mississippi State, Kansas State, etc. right now? It isn't even certain what current coaches can be lured away at the moment. The fact is that they have no business entering the competition to find a head coach under these circumstances unless they want to pick from amongst the fired/failed/resigned crew. If Notre Dame were to fire Weiss, they would find themselves in just as bad of a position as they have been in the last two times they went searching for a coach. They made the right decision in sticking in out with Weiss. But this isn't about what's fair to Willingham. He has already found and lost another head coaching job. And as much as I like the guy, this is just NOT about him. It's about what's right for Notre Dame. SO, if you cry-babies out there could just put down your pacifiers for a moment and listen, you might understand that fairness is a meaningless word in a non-socialist society. Please Obama don't make me eat these words.

Tony K. on the Big 12 Championship:

In what is possibly his most brilliant Monday Night Football moment, Tony Kornheiser so eloquently stated "I can't believe that the Big 12 would allow voters from New York and California and Pennsylvania and Illinois to decide who they send to their championship game. Make the decision yourself, it's your conference."

BCS Takes the Blame Once Again

It's this time of year when one has to love all those bloggers out there who feel the need to cry and whine about wanting a college football playoff and by love, I mean, dislike completely. None of them seem to grasp the concept that the BCS did not make the decision to determine the fate of the Big 12 Championship, but that the Big 12 decided to use the BCS for that purpose. That's their decision and their's alone. And for those of you who want a playoff, who do you think should play? Maybe have Alabama play Florida? Check. Oklahoma play Texas Tech? Check. Texas play Texas Tech? Check. The fact is that the SEC and the Big 12 have been greuling it out all year and a team from each of those conferences deserves to be playing in the national championship. And that is exactly what is going to happen (unless of course by some ugly twist of fate, Oklahoma chokes in the Big 12 Championship, as it has done before and USC moves up after a rather easy-going year to play for a title they didn't have to fight for). As for how you determine who represents each conference, that is up to the conferences themselves. The SEC got it right this year. As for the Big 12, I personally believe that Oklahoma is the best team in the country. With that said, Texas may have the better chance of winning the national title.

The SEC got lucky in that the two best teams are in different divisions. But perhaps what could be done instead of moving Texas or Oklahoma to the Big 12 North, is just having the top two teams play each other regardless of division. In some cases you would have a useless replay of a recent game. But in this case, you would have Oklahoma and Texas face off again and see if anything has changed since October 11th. Regardless, I have seen week after week of playoff atmosphere football and there is no need to change it now. Perhaps just tweak the BCS once again and make the conferences take responsibility for their own messes.

And for those of us who truly love college football, things are fine the way they are. It's those out there who have no interest in watching 15 straight weeks of college football that want to see a playoff.

The Actress vs. the College Football Researchers

Here are the results of our game picks from last Saturday. There were a total of 26 games we picked straight up, without considering the spread.

Angelique: 18
Dave: 19
Steph: 19
Jr.: 21

Now, Dave and I have been working in sports for years, Jr. was a golfer in college and was an intern with ABC/ESPN before joining full time and Angelique is an actress who despises watching football. Funny how she was within one game of tying Dave and me and I don't think she has watched a college football game since her ex-boyfriend dragged her to a Kentucky v. Louisville game years ago against her will. That would be the weekend an unsuspecting crowd learned the phrase..."Oh yeah...and that's how we do in New York." One can only imagine what this was in response to and what happened next, but let's just say I think there are a few people in Kentucky still licking their wounds.

But I digress. My point is that there is nothing impressive about picking games or being right about games or anything that has to do with gambling. It's simply fun for those of you who don't love the sport and need something to garner your interest. So for all of you ladies who might be intimidated by how much the guys "know" about football, it's actually not as difficult as you think to be on their level. In fact, Angelique was already on the basic level with many of the guys out watching the games simply on the basis of her making picks. And if you want to be considered an expert, here is a quick tutorial on what you need to do:

1) Watch the pre-game show while you're getting ready to go to the bar to meet up with the guys;
2) Memorize who played in and who won each Super Bowl (there have only been 42 so it's really not that hard); and
3) Look up all of the football games being played that day and then just randomly pick who you think should win based on whatever you want, whether it be team colors, names, states, cities, etc. and then as the games unfold make sure you tell everyone in the bar which ones you got right. You will be considered hard-core at this point.

Remember it's not about what you know, it's about what you pretend to know. If you can do that, not only will every guy out there think that you are a football genius, you will have equalled, if not surpassed the majority of the guys you meet at the bar in terms football knowledge. Now if you don't want to expose these guys for who they really are, just sit back, relax, watch the game and let them relish in their glory. Just the way they let us...actually I'm not sure they ever let us do that without calling us out...but, you know what I mean...

And, yes, Jr., you won both straight up and against the spread...we'll be sure to rub that in Dave's face on Saturday...