Boys Will Be Boys...

This year I joined an all-guys fantasy football league so I could experience what it was like to compete with all men instead of all women, as I have done for the past seven years as the commissioner of an all-ladies league. What I discovered is that even if you are almost 40 and a partner at a large law firm, you still can act very much like a child. This league I joined was by far the most restrictive league in terms of rules that I’ve ever witnessed. Who doesn’t allow any free agent pick-ups? If you don’t put in a bid by Wednesday night, you’re out of luck, even if there’s a last minute injury. But, I was fine dealing with their stupid rules, dumb team names (other than “I Impregnated Bristol Palin”) and unimaginative team logos…until today.

I originally was invited to join the league because they were looking to have 14 teams and apparently a few people had dropped out from last year, including my friend Browning (keep in mind for later relevance). At some point the commissioner of the league started harassing Browning, questioning how he could turn his back on seven years of fantasy football with the league. Browning emailed me about it and wished me luck with their 15 page constitution, 14-teams, a draft that takes almost 4 hours and the impending nightmare of finding a running back. Feeling bad that he might miss out on so much joy, I asked him whether or not he was considering playing. He responded that it would only be as a hands-off adviser/consultant. I thought it might be fun to have someone to discuss moves and players with, so I decided to take him on as a partner. It, of course, was still my team and I paid the entire $230 league fee with my own personal pink check.

Unbeknownst to me, Browning had an outstanding debt for the fantasy baseball league he played in with some of these guys last spring. It was due in March/April and Ass (he’s the commissioner of both leagues and that’s the abbreviation for his team name and no, I’m not making this up) failed to collect it from him for over seven months. But today, October 15, Ass decided that he absolutely had to have the $300 owed to him and his league. For the record, Ass is a partner at a major law firm in Chicago so that $300 is the equivalent to about 30 minutes of his time. But apparently to Ass, $300 is a lot of money because he complained about it to me on the phone for an hour and 16 minutes. And, no, I won’t bother pointing out the obvious irony.

Ass was horrified to learn that my fantasy partner and I didn’t discuss intimate details of our lives and previous dealings such that I wouldn’t know about the baseball debt. I’m now starting to wonder if I should have told Browning about the outstanding amount owed on my Saks charge. Nonetheless, Ass said that as partners we were tied together and that I was liable for him. I explained to the great litigator, who apparently doesn’t understand corporate law, that partners are liable for each other to the extent it concerns the partnership—not for things outside the partnership. And fantasy baseball, my dear, is outside of the fantasy football partnership. Again, if this holds true and Browning will pay my Capital One bill this month or even my rent, I would be really happy to front the $300 for the baseball league in exchange!

Despite logic and the fact that Ass is the one that technically failed to collect the money from Browning and that there are several different solutions to recoup the $300 so that the burden didn’t fall on one single person, he thought that the right thing to do was to make the girl who had nothing to do with the fantasy baseball league pay for it. Ass’s solution was to kick my team out of the league and keep my $230. By the way, I’m currently in 3rd place out of 14 teams and my team is looking even better now that Braylon Edwards is back up to par.

Ass then decided an even better way to make money would be to auction off my team because it’s actually that good that someone might pay well above the $230 entrance fee for it and that way he could recoup some of the baseball money. To that I thought “That’s right, my team, picked by a girl, is so good that someone might want to pay $400 after 6 weeks of football for it.” But I responded, “Seriously? You are a partner at a large law firm and you are upset over $300 that you might have to divide with the guy who won $1800 this year and the other weekly winners, which puts it at about $20 per person? Seriously?”

Well, apparently Ass was serious. Boys will be boys, but when did rich men become cheap babies? How does this end? Well, I find it completely disrespectful and I don’t care if Browning pays his debt or not. I quit this league.

As for my pretty pink $230 check, too bad you didn’t cash it yet because my bank canceled it…for free… as a courtesy to me.