Watching football with the guys...otherwise known as "Why me?"

I watch football because I enjoy watching football. But, sometimes I question why guys watch football. If they didn't have money on the game or their pride on the line, would they still watch and care? It's amazing to me how many of them don't even gamble, but live and die by what they said about the game. Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in a video game with rules I don't understand. Do you get points each time you say you like a team and they win? Are there magic jellybean rewards that give you extra power or lives if you can pick a team against the spread? Perhaps gambling is so popular because it turns the video game into reality. One does get additional strength (i.e., buying strength) every time he makes a correct pick. But, keep in mind that eventually he dies (i.e., runs out of money). I wonder what would happen if men weren't allowed to talk on game days? If they were forced to gather in silence and just watch the game, what would happen? For one, the following rendition of my latest Saturday morning wouldn't have happened and the ensuing headache I endured may have been prevented.

As I have mentioned before, I work on the set of ABC's College Football Studio Show. This Saturday, we went on-air at 3:00pm, but had to get to the set at 11:00 am for a production meeting and then to watch the games and prepare for the Countdown Show. This is how my day went before live television...

Keep in mind that the majority of this conversation revolves around a college football pick 'em pool at ESPN. No one involved had any actual money on these games. None.

11:59 am. BK: Check it out. Edwards is falling from grace. I'm only 4 points behind.

12:00 pm. BK: Now that I'm sniffin the title it's really gonna bother me.

12:09 pm. JF: Did we solidify anything? I'll take BYU. I just need some games to get my day going.

12:12 pm. BK: God I'm in trouble. Iowa's just carving them up. (Note that this is literally three minutes into the Purdue v. Iowa game on Iowa's first possession).

12: 13 pm. Jr: That's the second week in a row your picks are struggling early. (Struggling early?? The game just started. It's twelve-friggin-thirteen!)

12: 14 pm. BK: OHHH!!! Iowa missed the point after. That's huge! (Note that this is now 6 minutes and 9 seconds into a game that showcases two teams that no one in the room has any affiliation with).

12: 14 pm. BK: I'm getting 18 with Purdue. I like Kansas, but everyone in the world picked Texas.

12:16 pm. BK: Ohio State scored.

12:16 pm. Me (out loud this time): Wow, thanks for the information (as I'm watching the game directly on the television in front of me and saw the entire thing unfold thirty seconds prior to that announcement). Do you even know how they scored?

12:16pm. BK: No.

12:24 pm. Jr: You know, this is the second week in a row your "pick of the week" isn't coming through. (Jr is finally catching on-- BK's "pick of the week" has an 80% failure rate, yet it doesn't stop him from pointing to the outfield and calling his shot every single frigging week).

12:27 pm. BK: Turnovers are key.

12:27 pm. JF: I think Illinois might beat Ohio State

12:28 pm. BK: Really? Sniffin that? Sniffin that?

12:33 pm. BK: Look--off the glass...(he says as the cap he's trying to throw in the trash falls on the ground nowhere close to making it into the can).

12:39 pm. BK: What the hell are you doing?? Going for it again on 4th and 1?? Good job Tiller. (He relaxes as Purdue converts on 4th down for the second time this possession).

12:39 pm. JF: Do you have money on Purdue?

12:39 pm. BK No! I'm in this pool and look all of the sudden where I am. I'm only 4 points behind.

Quick break as I leave our research desk for a few minutes to go look at a media guide.

12:48 pm. BK: Brutal call.

12:48 pm. JS: You got money on the game?

12:48 pm. BK: No! I don't bet anymore. I'm in a pool.

12:48 pm. JS: Tell that to Rick Neuheisal.

12:48 pm. BK: Darn. No upsets today. (as he ignores the gambling accusations and gets back to work talking at the television. I, however, am saved by another fortunate task that I must accomplish AWAY from the research desk).

1:07 pm. BK: (shrieking) That's how we pull an upset!!

1:07 pm. BK: (to Jr) You taking notes on the mental tidbits I'm throwing out here for you?

1:07 pm. BK: We should put Georgia as the most disappointing team.

1:07 pm. BK: I might have to re-evaluate the fold-out chair. One of the worse decisions I've made. (As he continues his stream-of-conscious rant, he finally acknowledges what a bad idea it was to choose to sit in a fold out chair for 12 hours as opposed to the office chairs the rest of us chose to bring down to the set.)

1:08 pm. BK: These weather conditions. That's a great equalizer my friend. Write that down.

1:08 pm. BK: (screaming at the television) Oh throw the flag!!

1:08 pm. BK: (to FK who just entered the room) What you got?...Check it out (as he shows yet another victim the infamous college football pick 'em pool score sheet)

1:09 pm. FK: Are you in second place (although he's trying to be encouraging, his tone fails to hide his disbelief)??

1:09 pm. BK: (matter-of-factly) Right there. Breathing down his neck.

1:10 pm. FK: But your record isn't that good?

1:10 pm. BK: I make accurate picks. It's all about confidence.

1:12 pm. Me: Oh dear god.

1:12 pm. BK: (high pitched shrieking again). Run it!!!!!!!! Ohhhh...chicken shit.

1:12 pm. Jr: You need 7 here.

1:13 pm. BK: I know I need 7. It's just bad play calling. (Again--we are talking about Purdue v. Iowa)

Someone scores. BK's Celebration ensues with a Kirk Gibson fist pumping.

1:16 pm. BK: Once you get the 6 home you're okay.

1:16 pm. Me: huh?

1:16 pm. BK: I blew DB away--12 points in front of him.

1:16 pm. Jr: You got four weeks left?

1:16 pm. BK: What the hell was that!? Just went for two!?

1:17 pm. BK: He's thinking about the picks because he's feeling the heat. (Back to discussing the current leader of the pool).

1:17 pm. BK: He took Utah at San Diego State. Oh--go Aztecs... He loves Florida State.

1:17 pm. Jr: This is pretty impressive though.

1:18 pm. BK: I don't care. It's all about point totals my friend. In my humble opinion, the wild card is the most impressive because they don't force you to pick it. I can go through college football and pick 6 games and do a lot better than that record if I choose which games.

I go back to watching the nine games we have on directly in front of us. Meanwhile, BK is showing JR the Pick 'em sheet...again.

1:22 pm. BK: You got two games at pro stadium's right now. You don't see that too often. There are only 6 teams that play in pro stadiums.

1:22 pm. Me: So is that 6 or 7? Wait...who cares?????

1:23 pm BK: I think I'm good here. Oh you're getting 36. That would take a meltdown.

1:23 pm BK: That's Stephanie's graphic (pointing to a graphic that just came up on our preview screen about the reversals of fortune in college football this year).

1:24 Me: Thanks for the credit. By the way, in the meeting this morning when you tried to give someone else credit, were you sabotaging me or are you just an idiot and forgot that just 12 hours ago I came up with that title?

1:25 pm. Jr: You should probably go with the second option.

1:30 pm. BK: See Kansas was moving the ball again and now they don't have it. Not good. Not good.

1:31 pm. Me: Yeah, they went for it on 4th and 2 and were stopped. Then they went on it on 4th and 1...

1:34 They stopped it again! Oh they're faking a punt. Oh-- they're not! But you have to worry.

Who should worry? Does anyone in the room have a personal interest in Kansas or Texas? Again, that would be a negative.

1:35 pm. BK: It should either just snow or rain. That in-between stuff is nasty. Oh Charlie Weiss is losing weight. Must be under some stress. Oh and that guy almost stepped out on that run. Notre Dame field goal.

1:36 pm. Me: I know. I'm sitting next to you watching the game directly in front of me.

1:37 pm. BK: Oh did you see that?! Oh--how great is that?!!

Somewhat startled, I eagerly glance at the television directly in front of BK to see what I missed, hoping for a replay of what just transpired.

1:37 pm. BK: That's is a really nice jacket. I like that jacket a lot (referring to the Big Ten Network Reporter).

I have no response to that. I just shake my head and continue watching football. Strange how as the only woman on the set I'm probably the only one qualified to give fashion advice, yet these guys talk about the hats, coats and ties they see on television like they’re batting averages.

1:38 pm. BK: Kirk Ferentz. He reminds me of someone. Maybe a teacher of mine. He's got that look. Some dude from my past.

1:38 pm. Jr: Maybe from Buffalo? Hey, what's their mascot?

1:38 pm. BK: The Bulls. The bulls man, B-U-L-L-S.

1:39 pm. BK: Why do I have a faulty headset?

1:39 pm. Jr: That's a lack of respect man, a faulty headset.

1:40 pm. BK: First down Jayhawks! He DID NOT fumble that ball! They might replay that. They might review that. Mack wants a RE-view. Oh no. It's out. Run a play Kansas. Oh, didn't run a play in time. What kind of shitty kickoff was that? It was like a pop up? Oh Tiller is drunk. The good thing is that they brought in Curtis Painter. Man this is just a shitty kick. That's a hold. What is that? (He says this as he's pointing to the television, which simultaneously blocks my view of it). They're going to give that ball to Texas on the review. Weather and turnovers. Those are two great equalizers.

1:41 pm. Me: Aren't turnovers evidence of a good defense?

1:41 pm. Jr: (sarcastically) Weather, turnovers, coaching, bad recruiting. Great equalizers.

1:42 pm. BK: Watch the replay. Iowa quarterback threw right to the Purdue guy. Right there. Right there. You gotta catch that. Ahhh man.

1:43 pm. BK: He caught that!!!! How the heck did he catch that?! I'll tell you Big Ten camera angels stink. Yeah I knew that was going to be a fumble. They should have run the play sooner. I think the best name in college football is Knowshon Moreno. That's my opinion. In my humble opinion.

1:44 pm. BK: Miss it!!

1:45 pm. BK: Pick!! Tell you what--Kansas has a little something. Kansas has a little MO JO today. Tell you what's the great equalizers: Weather and turnovers.

1:46 pm. BK: I don't know man. It might have gone over that yellow pipe. It's getting cold down here on the set.

1:50 pm. BK: Oh man--Texas defense swarming!

1:51 pm. BK: Oh go boilermaker! Go boilermaker! Keep going! Keep running! Only problem is that I don't know if the Boilermaker mascot makes road trips because he is great. He gets out there like a weeble.

No response because no one knows what the hell that means.

1:52 pm. BK: Oh man--they went back to the other quarterback. What are you doing Tiller? Look at this guy-he stinks. Siller. Siller is silly. Silly bad!

1:52 pm. Jr: Hey can I go on the record and call a gamecock upset?

1:53 pm. BK: It's not gonna happen but you can make it. DB will feel that all the way in Hawaii. See that's the thing you can't account for when you gamble. Coaching and officiating. This hurdling thing is getting out of control. Look at that man, great kick-off return and we have to punt.

1:54 pm. Me: "We?" So now you went to Purdue?

1:55 pm. I give up. My headphones are on. I see fist pumping and pointing. And fingers covering up the televisions. But I don't care because I have peace. There will be more fist pumps and pointing, but I have 15 minutes to just sit back and watch football with no one talking to me, or at least no one I can hear.

And then the headphones come off...

2:10 pm. BK: Oh Fumble. Nice. Turnovers. What do we know about that?

211 pm. BK: Now get that Siller guy out of there and put Painter in.

2:11 pm. Me: (sarcastically) So do you think it's that Tiller doesn't know that Painter is a good quarterback.

2:11 pm. BK: He's looking to the future.

2:12 pm. Me: Yeah, I bet that's what he's thinking. He has a quarterback looking forward to the NFL draft who needs to try to impress the scouts, who's been hurt. But, you think he's putting Siller in because he's looking to the future--to a team he probably won't even be coaching?

no response and onto the next random topic...

2:13 pm. BK: "Vanderbilt is once again..."

2:13 pm. Me: Wait--what are you doing?

2:13 pm. BK: I'm talking to Jr.

2:13 pm. Me: You're reading the entire news story from the AP wires...OUT LOUD. We all, including Jr., have it sitting in front of us on our computers.

2:14 pm. BK: "Vanderbilt is once..."

2:14 pm. Me: Wait! Wait! Wait!!! (As I secure my headphones to block out all sound). Now go.

I block out the Vanderbilt news story and watch the games for ten beautiful uninterrupted minutes. But nothing lasts for ever.

2:25 pm. BK: Penn State!

2:25 pm. BK: Didn't Stephanie tell you it was going to be like the Wisconsin game?

2:26 pm. BK: That's the kiss of death right there.

2:26 pm. Jr: The kiss of death was asking you what you thought of it and you agreeing with me.

2:45 pm. BK: Do you like that tie? Does that even go with that outfit?

2:48 pm. BK: Not a fan of Johnny Gilmore's tie (says this on the intercom system to someone out there who must care).

2:49 pm. BK: Uh oh!! Got a loose lion.

2:50 pm: BK: Hey I'm gonna grab some Starbucks before we go on-air. What do you want?

2:50 pm. Jr: A chocolate-banana smoothie.

2:50 pm. BK: I can't order you that! I'll lose four man points just for saying it.

2:50 pm. Me: No comment.

Ahhh at last it's time to get ready for our show which starts in 10 minutes. Peace at last. Peace at last.