If you don't have anything smart to say, then please don't talk!

My wish for Christmas is for the sports broadcasters to get brains. They simply regurgitate the same meaningless information propagated by their mother ship, which in almost all cases is ESPN. Typically at thee networks, the same game notes go to the entire network staff about all of the games, allowing them to perpetuate whatever beliefs, or myths, the author of such notes believes his or herself.

I am personally dealing with the repercussions of their idiocy at this very moment watching the Champs Sports Bowl, featuring Wisconsin and Florida State. Unfortunately, these brainiacs have been talking about FSU's speed all day long. It's like a two-year old who learns a new word and chooses to use that word, even when it's completely inappropriate. In this case, Wisconsin attempted a screen pass, which became a lateral, which became a fumble, which was then recovered by FSU linebacker Derek Nicholson for a touchdown. Truthfully, it had nothing to do with speed. And I wouldn't be that irritated with the broadcasters' observation of Florida State's speed on that play if it hadn't been for how much it irritated my father. He has been yelling at "those idiots" ever since and I can no longer watch the game in peace.

An Ode to Graham Harrell

Mike Leach is right when it comes to the politics of the greatest honor in college football: the Heisman Trophy. It is a shame that Graham Harrell won't be in New York on Saturday to share in the presentation of the award for which he deserved to be recognized as a finalist. So here is what I have to say...

4747: An Ode to Graham Harrell

So you didn't hit the numbers you had last year
five seven zero five and forty-eight to be clear
but you did lead your team to a top ten spot
and you were one game shy of playing for the pot

forty-one passes that went for six
while just seven of your passes went for picks
harrell to crabtree, such a beautiful sight
406 passes completed leads the country alright

but mccoy completed over 77% of what he threw
and he doesn't just throw, he can run the ball too
and sam bradford has earned a spot in the title game
with 186.3-- his Q-B rating is insane

as for tim tebow, his numbers really don't impress
he leads his team well but he's not better than the rest
with percy harvin and that defense, there's talent galore
but the media is a great customer and florida's a whore

so the question is, graham harrell, where does that leave you?
In the record books for one and a bowl game for two
but more importantly if you show up at the combine to impress
In a football uniform on Sundays, you just might be dressed.

Plaxico Burress: A Story of Inspiration

As odd as it seems, Plaxico Burress has inspired my fantasy football league. We already have a Moral Enforcer to punish those teams that own players who commit crimes. But now we have instated a new division of enforcement thanks in large part to the man who shot himself in his leg with his own gun. Let me introduce you all to our new Moron Enforcer, Christina. A prosecutor by day. Christina will be imposing fines against those who act like complete idiots. In this case, Plaxico's owner would be under double penalties. First, if convicted, he will be fined by our Moral Enforcer, Malia, for the act of carrying a concealed weapon. In addition, regardless of the outcome of the legal proceedings, he will also be fined by our Moron Enforcer for the act of shooting himself. Over the years, many football players have given us plenty of sources for creating new fantasy football rules. But this one is truly a gift.

Issues Governed by the Moron Enforcer:
1. Acts performed on oneself, that while not illegal, if done by said individual to another person would be considered a criminal act. Penalty $5.
2. Having unprotected sex which results in requests for child support payments when the paternity of the child is either uncertain or seriously in doubt. Penalty $1.
3. Getting hurt during a game due to an act of celebration. Penalty $1.
4. Missing one game or more due to an injury incurred outside of football that could be considered foolish. Please note that riding a motorcycle is a per se violation of this section four. Penalty $3.
5. Getting stabbed or shot by your girlfriend, aka "The William Green Rule." Penalty $7.
6. Ending up on Page Six of the New York Post. Penalty $1.
7. Beginning a touchdown celebration before scoring the touchdown and not scoring the touchdown as a result of such celebration, aka "The DeSean Jackson Rule." Penalty $2.

It's Not Fair!!!

"Whhaaaahhh...it's not fair." If I have to hear that statement from grown men one more time, I might just jump off my 27th floor balcony for fear that there aren't any real men out there anymore. So it's not fair that Notre Dame didn't fire Charlie Weiss because they fired Tyrone Willingham? Seriously? Seriously, this is your argument? Boys, please grow up and realize that life is not fair. In a sport where coaches can get fired just a year after signing an extension, where the average tenure of an FBS coach in 2008 was 4.7 years and where guys like Nick Saban are outraged at the lack of loyalty to college football coaches, I'm not certain what is supposed to be fair. To set the record straight on Willingham (who is an amazing scout of quarterback talent and perhaps should take his skills to the NFL), he was not Notre Dame's guy, but hired because the idiots on the hiring committee failed to check George O'Leary's resume. Anyone who has applied for a job in the last few years understands how ridiculous this incident was because the rest of us are screened with an assumption that we are lying, on drugs and may have committed a dangerous crime in order to submit a simple job application. Regardless, Ty saved the day for the Irish and made them look good after that embarrassing debacle. As we move on to Ty's firing, I repeat, he was not Notre Dame's guy. And when those same idiots on the hiring committee decided they wanted Urban Meyer, they had no choice but to fire Willingham and open the door for Meyer to spit in their faces. That arrogance that made them believe they could have any coach is what made them prematurely fire Willingham--it wasn't simply about his record. After the Meyer incident, enter Charlie Weiss as the latest savior. He wasn't Notre Dame's guy either, but those in power wanted to believe that this time they got lucky. They didn't. They are idiots. Yes, it really is as simple as that for all of you conspiracy theorists out there. But, if there's one smart move they made this year it was NOT to fire Charlie Weiss. The reason? Who the heck are they going to hire instead? There are approximately 17 (I repeat, SEVENTEEN) head football coaching positions available at FBS schools at this moment. The competition for the best coaches is fierce. And why should a beaten down Irish organization that has only won 9 games the last two seasons try to compete with Auburn, Clemson, Tennessee, Washington, Mississippi State, Kansas State, etc. right now? It isn't even certain what current coaches can be lured away at the moment. The fact is that they have no business entering the competition to find a head coach under these circumstances unless they want to pick from amongst the fired/failed/resigned crew. If Notre Dame were to fire Weiss, they would find themselves in just as bad of a position as they have been in the last two times they went searching for a coach. They made the right decision in sticking in out with Weiss. But this isn't about what's fair to Willingham. He has already found and lost another head coaching job. And as much as I like the guy, this is just NOT about him. It's about what's right for Notre Dame. SO, if you cry-babies out there could just put down your pacifiers for a moment and listen, you might understand that fairness is a meaningless word in a non-socialist society. Please Obama don't make me eat these words.

Tony K. on the Big 12 Championship:

In what is possibly his most brilliant Monday Night Football moment, Tony Kornheiser so eloquently stated "I can't believe that the Big 12 would allow voters from New York and California and Pennsylvania and Illinois to decide who they send to their championship game. Make the decision yourself, it's your conference."

BCS Takes the Blame Once Again

It's this time of year when one has to love all those bloggers out there who feel the need to cry and whine about wanting a college football playoff and by love, I mean, dislike completely. None of them seem to grasp the concept that the BCS did not make the decision to determine the fate of the Big 12 Championship, but that the Big 12 decided to use the BCS for that purpose. That's their decision and their's alone. And for those of you who want a playoff, who do you think should play? Maybe have Alabama play Florida? Check. Oklahoma play Texas Tech? Check. Texas play Texas Tech? Check. The fact is that the SEC and the Big 12 have been greuling it out all year and a team from each of those conferences deserves to be playing in the national championship. And that is exactly what is going to happen (unless of course by some ugly twist of fate, Oklahoma chokes in the Big 12 Championship, as it has done before and USC moves up after a rather easy-going year to play for a title they didn't have to fight for). As for how you determine who represents each conference, that is up to the conferences themselves. The SEC got it right this year. As for the Big 12, I personally believe that Oklahoma is the best team in the country. With that said, Texas may have the better chance of winning the national title.

The SEC got lucky in that the two best teams are in different divisions. But perhaps what could be done instead of moving Texas or Oklahoma to the Big 12 North, is just having the top two teams play each other regardless of division. In some cases you would have a useless replay of a recent game. But in this case, you would have Oklahoma and Texas face off again and see if anything has changed since October 11th. Regardless, I have seen week after week of playoff atmosphere football and there is no need to change it now. Perhaps just tweak the BCS once again and make the conferences take responsibility for their own messes.

And for those of us who truly love college football, things are fine the way they are. It's those out there who have no interest in watching 15 straight weeks of college football that want to see a playoff.

The Actress vs. the College Football Researchers

Here are the results of our game picks from last Saturday. There were a total of 26 games we picked straight up, without considering the spread.

Angelique: 18
Dave: 19
Steph: 19
Jr.: 21

Now, Dave and I have been working in sports for years, Jr. was a golfer in college and was an intern with ABC/ESPN before joining full time and Angelique is an actress who despises watching football. Funny how she was within one game of tying Dave and me and I don't think she has watched a college football game since her ex-boyfriend dragged her to a Kentucky v. Louisville game years ago against her will. That would be the weekend an unsuspecting crowd learned the phrase..."Oh yeah...and that's how we do in New York." One can only imagine what this was in response to and what happened next, but let's just say I think there are a few people in Kentucky still licking their wounds.

But I digress. My point is that there is nothing impressive about picking games or being right about games or anything that has to do with gambling. It's simply fun for those of you who don't love the sport and need something to garner your interest. So for all of you ladies who might be intimidated by how much the guys "know" about football, it's actually not as difficult as you think to be on their level. In fact, Angelique was already on the basic level with many of the guys out watching the games simply on the basis of her making picks. And if you want to be considered an expert, here is a quick tutorial on what you need to do:

1) Watch the pre-game show while you're getting ready to go to the bar to meet up with the guys;
2) Memorize who played in and who won each Super Bowl (there have only been 42 so it's really not that hard); and
3) Look up all of the football games being played that day and then just randomly pick who you think should win based on whatever you want, whether it be team colors, names, states, cities, etc. and then as the games unfold make sure you tell everyone in the bar which ones you got right. You will be considered hard-core at this point.

Remember it's not about what you know, it's about what you pretend to know. If you can do that, not only will every guy out there think that you are a football genius, you will have equalled, if not surpassed the majority of the guys you meet at the bar in terms football knowledge. Now if you don't want to expose these guys for who they really are, just sit back, relax, watch the game and let them relish in their glory. Just the way they let us...actually I'm not sure they ever let us do that without calling us out...but, you know what I mean...

And, yes, Jr., you won both straight up and against the spread...we'll be sure to rub that in Dave's face on Saturday...

“If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?”

As I’ve mentioned before, I find that watching a football game with the guys has turned into a twisted contest in which each tries to prove how “right” he is. Perhaps that’s because in society we are always telling men they are wrong and this is a way for them to redeem themselves. The end result is that they almost seem to believe that their worth is determined by their ability to predict games. Have you ever seen a man hours after he has predicted a Ball State upset this year (as we all know they finished the regular season 12-0)? Depressed, despondent, lonely, that is, until the 8 o’clock games roll around and he can find redemption. It is all so meaningless and the fact is that the “skill” they are truly using in predicting games is instinct. Ironically, “women’s intuition” is one of their most valuable resource when it comes to football. (And, yes, it is in quotes because it’s not just for women, we just admit to using our intuition). And even more valuable than that is luck. Yet somehow these guys expect to earn credit and credibility for their “achievements” by guessing a game correctly. Guys--you can continue to pick games, but don’t think that you’re earning any intelligence points. Your logic and reasoning that lead you to those choices is what matters even more than your result.

That is actually the big problem I have with sports television these days. I don’t want to know their answer—I want to know the facts and the logic behind it. The broadcasters have fallen into a trap of simply picking a team with the most basic, obvious facts to support them. If I want to listen to a man argue just for the sake of it, I’ll call up my friend Eric. But I don’t want to waste my valuable television time doing that. I would rather spend the time reading what the beat writers have to say about the subject. Do I care what random sportscaster went 0-6 for the week? It doesn’t affect my opinion of her/him the same way that going 6-6 is meaningless as well.

And to prove this, I realize I get just as much valuable information from my friend Angelique as I do these guys. She is an actress who does not like football and does not watch football…ever. See below for her picks (in bold) for the college football games this Saturday and her reasoning, which I consider just as substantial if not more so than the “experts” because she is truly in tune with her sixth sense.

Auburn @ Alabama. My friend Mary was talking about Alabama.
Oklahoma @ Oklahoma State. I like the musical Oklahoma!
Florida @ Florida State. Just because.
Notre Dame @ USC. I like that school (boooo)
Baylor @ Texas Tech. I think the name is cool.
Georgia Tech @ Georgia. Just because.
Kansas @ Missouri. I like cows.
Syracuse @ Cincinnati. I hate that place (Syracuse)!
Oregon @ Oregon State. Just because.
Maryland @ Boston College. I like Maryland.
South Carolina @ Clemson. I don’t even know what Clemson is.
Virginia @ Virginia Tech. The name sounds official.
Miami @ NC State. Warm...
UAB @ UCF. I like the letters.
Arkansas St. @ North Texas. I like the state of Arkansas.
Nevada @ Louisiana Tech. I like the name—it sounds official.
Southern Miss @ SMU. It sounds better than Smoo.
New Mexico St. @ Utah St. I don’t like Utah St. because I’m afraid of Mormons.
North Carolina @ Duke. Because Tucker Max went to Duke (hey Ang, I went there too!)
Tulsa@ Marshall. It reminds me of a type of dance (Ang is a professional ballroom dancer also).
Houston@Rice. I like the City and the restaurant (Houston’s Steak House).
Tulane@Memphis. It makes me think of “Walking in Memphis” and I like that song.
Florida Int’l @ Florida Atlantic. I don’t like to travel internationally.
Kentucky @ Tennessee. It’s a cool shaped state.
Vanderbilt @ Wake Forest. I would like to wake up in the forest.
Washington St. @ Hawaii. I want to live there.

Watching football with the guys...otherwise known as "Why me?"

I watch football because I enjoy watching football. But, sometimes I question why guys watch football. If they didn't have money on the game or their pride on the line, would they still watch and care? It's amazing to me how many of them don't even gamble, but live and die by what they said about the game. Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in a video game with rules I don't understand. Do you get points each time you say you like a team and they win? Are there magic jellybean rewards that give you extra power or lives if you can pick a team against the spread? Perhaps gambling is so popular because it turns the video game into reality. One does get additional strength (i.e., buying strength) every time he makes a correct pick. But, keep in mind that eventually he dies (i.e., runs out of money). I wonder what would happen if men weren't allowed to talk on game days? If they were forced to gather in silence and just watch the game, what would happen? For one, the following rendition of my latest Saturday morning wouldn't have happened and the ensuing headache I endured may have been prevented.

As I have mentioned before, I work on the set of ABC's College Football Studio Show. This Saturday, we went on-air at 3:00pm, but had to get to the set at 11:00 am for a production meeting and then to watch the games and prepare for the Countdown Show. This is how my day went before live television...

Keep in mind that the majority of this conversation revolves around a college football pick 'em pool at ESPN. No one involved had any actual money on these games. None.

11:59 am. BK: Check it out. Edwards is falling from grace. I'm only 4 points behind.

12:00 pm. BK: Now that I'm sniffin the title it's really gonna bother me.

12:09 pm. JF: Did we solidify anything? I'll take BYU. I just need some games to get my day going.

12:12 pm. BK: God I'm in trouble. Iowa's just carving them up. (Note that this is literally three minutes into the Purdue v. Iowa game on Iowa's first possession).

12: 13 pm. Jr: That's the second week in a row your picks are struggling early. (Struggling early?? The game just started. It's twelve-friggin-thirteen!)

12: 14 pm. BK: OHHH!!! Iowa missed the point after. That's huge! (Note that this is now 6 minutes and 9 seconds into a game that showcases two teams that no one in the room has any affiliation with).

12: 14 pm. BK: I'm getting 18 with Purdue. I like Kansas, but everyone in the world picked Texas.

12:16 pm. BK: Ohio State scored.

12:16 pm. Me (out loud this time): Wow, thanks for the information (as I'm watching the game directly on the television in front of me and saw the entire thing unfold thirty seconds prior to that announcement). Do you even know how they scored?

12:16pm. BK: No.

12:24 pm. Jr: You know, this is the second week in a row your "pick of the week" isn't coming through. (Jr is finally catching on-- BK's "pick of the week" has an 80% failure rate, yet it doesn't stop him from pointing to the outfield and calling his shot every single frigging week).

12:27 pm. BK: Turnovers are key.

12:27 pm. JF: I think Illinois might beat Ohio State

12:28 pm. BK: Really? Sniffin that? Sniffin that?

12:33 pm. BK: Look--off the glass...(he says as the cap he's trying to throw in the trash falls on the ground nowhere close to making it into the can).

12:39 pm. BK: What the hell are you doing?? Going for it again on 4th and 1?? Good job Tiller. (He relaxes as Purdue converts on 4th down for the second time this possession).

12:39 pm. JF: Do you have money on Purdue?

12:39 pm. BK No! I'm in this pool and look all of the sudden where I am. I'm only 4 points behind.

Quick break as I leave our research desk for a few minutes to go look at a media guide.

12:48 pm. BK: Brutal call.

12:48 pm. JS: You got money on the game?

12:48 pm. BK: No! I don't bet anymore. I'm in a pool.

12:48 pm. JS: Tell that to Rick Neuheisal.

12:48 pm. BK: Darn. No upsets today. (as he ignores the gambling accusations and gets back to work talking at the television. I, however, am saved by another fortunate task that I must accomplish AWAY from the research desk).

1:07 pm. BK: (shrieking) That's how we pull an upset!!

1:07 pm. BK: (to Jr) You taking notes on the mental tidbits I'm throwing out here for you?

1:07 pm. BK: We should put Georgia as the most disappointing team.

1:07 pm. BK: I might have to re-evaluate the fold-out chair. One of the worse decisions I've made. (As he continues his stream-of-conscious rant, he finally acknowledges what a bad idea it was to choose to sit in a fold out chair for 12 hours as opposed to the office chairs the rest of us chose to bring down to the set.)

1:08 pm. BK: These weather conditions. That's a great equalizer my friend. Write that down.

1:08 pm. BK: (screaming at the television) Oh throw the flag!!

1:08 pm. BK: (to FK who just entered the room) What you got?...Check it out (as he shows yet another victim the infamous college football pick 'em pool score sheet)

1:09 pm. FK: Are you in second place (although he's trying to be encouraging, his tone fails to hide his disbelief)??

1:09 pm. BK: (matter-of-factly) Right there. Breathing down his neck.

1:10 pm. FK: But your record isn't that good?

1:10 pm. BK: I make accurate picks. It's all about confidence.

1:12 pm. Me: Oh dear god.

1:12 pm. BK: (high pitched shrieking again). Run it!!!!!!!! Ohhhh...chicken shit.

1:12 pm. Jr: You need 7 here.

1:13 pm. BK: I know I need 7. It's just bad play calling. (Again--we are talking about Purdue v. Iowa)

Someone scores. BK's Celebration ensues with a Kirk Gibson fist pumping.

1:16 pm. BK: Once you get the 6 home you're okay.

1:16 pm. Me: huh?

1:16 pm. BK: I blew DB away--12 points in front of him.

1:16 pm. Jr: You got four weeks left?

1:16 pm. BK: What the hell was that!? Just went for two!?

1:17 pm. BK: He's thinking about the picks because he's feeling the heat. (Back to discussing the current leader of the pool).

1:17 pm. BK: He took Utah at San Diego State. Oh--go Aztecs... He loves Florida State.

1:17 pm. Jr: This is pretty impressive though.

1:18 pm. BK: I don't care. It's all about point totals my friend. In my humble opinion, the wild card is the most impressive because they don't force you to pick it. I can go through college football and pick 6 games and do a lot better than that record if I choose which games.

I go back to watching the nine games we have on directly in front of us. Meanwhile, BK is showing JR the Pick 'em sheet...again.

1:22 pm. BK: You got two games at pro stadium's right now. You don't see that too often. There are only 6 teams that play in pro stadiums.

1:22 pm. Me: So is that 6 or 7? Wait...who cares?????

1:23 pm BK: I think I'm good here. Oh you're getting 36. That would take a meltdown.

1:23 pm BK: That's Stephanie's graphic (pointing to a graphic that just came up on our preview screen about the reversals of fortune in college football this year).

1:24 Me: Thanks for the credit. By the way, in the meeting this morning when you tried to give someone else credit, were you sabotaging me or are you just an idiot and forgot that just 12 hours ago I came up with that title?

1:25 pm. Jr: You should probably go with the second option.

1:30 pm. BK: See Kansas was moving the ball again and now they don't have it. Not good. Not good.

1:31 pm. Me: Yeah, they went for it on 4th and 2 and were stopped. Then they went on it on 4th and 1...

1:34 They stopped it again! Oh they're faking a punt. Oh-- they're not! But you have to worry.

Who should worry? Does anyone in the room have a personal interest in Kansas or Texas? Again, that would be a negative.

1:35 pm. BK: It should either just snow or rain. That in-between stuff is nasty. Oh Charlie Weiss is losing weight. Must be under some stress. Oh and that guy almost stepped out on that run. Notre Dame field goal.

1:36 pm. Me: I know. I'm sitting next to you watching the game directly in front of me.

1:37 pm. BK: Oh did you see that?! Oh--how great is that?!!

Somewhat startled, I eagerly glance at the television directly in front of BK to see what I missed, hoping for a replay of what just transpired.

1:37 pm. BK: That's is a really nice jacket. I like that jacket a lot (referring to the Big Ten Network Reporter).

I have no response to that. I just shake my head and continue watching football. Strange how as the only woman on the set I'm probably the only one qualified to give fashion advice, yet these guys talk about the hats, coats and ties they see on television like they’re batting averages.

1:38 pm. BK: Kirk Ferentz. He reminds me of someone. Maybe a teacher of mine. He's got that look. Some dude from my past.

1:38 pm. Jr: Maybe from Buffalo? Hey, what's their mascot?

1:38 pm. BK: The Bulls. The bulls man, B-U-L-L-S.

1:39 pm. BK: Why do I have a faulty headset?

1:39 pm. Jr: That's a lack of respect man, a faulty headset.

1:40 pm. BK: First down Jayhawks! He DID NOT fumble that ball! They might replay that. They might review that. Mack wants a RE-view. Oh no. It's out. Run a play Kansas. Oh, didn't run a play in time. What kind of shitty kickoff was that? It was like a pop up? Oh Tiller is drunk. The good thing is that they brought in Curtis Painter. Man this is just a shitty kick. That's a hold. What is that? (He says this as he's pointing to the television, which simultaneously blocks my view of it). They're going to give that ball to Texas on the review. Weather and turnovers. Those are two great equalizers.

1:41 pm. Me: Aren't turnovers evidence of a good defense?

1:41 pm. Jr: (sarcastically) Weather, turnovers, coaching, bad recruiting. Great equalizers.

1:42 pm. BK: Watch the replay. Iowa quarterback threw right to the Purdue guy. Right there. Right there. You gotta catch that. Ahhh man.

1:43 pm. BK: He caught that!!!! How the heck did he catch that?! I'll tell you Big Ten camera angels stink. Yeah I knew that was going to be a fumble. They should have run the play sooner. I think the best name in college football is Knowshon Moreno. That's my opinion. In my humble opinion.

1:44 pm. BK: Miss it!!

1:45 pm. BK: Pick!! Tell you what--Kansas has a little something. Kansas has a little MO JO today. Tell you what's the great equalizers: Weather and turnovers.

1:46 pm. BK: I don't know man. It might have gone over that yellow pipe. It's getting cold down here on the set.

1:50 pm. BK: Oh man--Texas defense swarming!

1:51 pm. BK: Oh go boilermaker! Go boilermaker! Keep going! Keep running! Only problem is that I don't know if the Boilermaker mascot makes road trips because he is great. He gets out there like a weeble.

No response because no one knows what the hell that means.

1:52 pm. BK: Oh man--they went back to the other quarterback. What are you doing Tiller? Look at this guy-he stinks. Siller. Siller is silly. Silly bad!

1:52 pm. Jr: Hey can I go on the record and call a gamecock upset?

1:53 pm. BK: It's not gonna happen but you can make it. DB will feel that all the way in Hawaii. See that's the thing you can't account for when you gamble. Coaching and officiating. This hurdling thing is getting out of control. Look at that man, great kick-off return and we have to punt.

1:54 pm. Me: "We?" So now you went to Purdue?

1:55 pm. I give up. My headphones are on. I see fist pumping and pointing. And fingers covering up the televisions. But I don't care because I have peace. There will be more fist pumps and pointing, but I have 15 minutes to just sit back and watch football with no one talking to me, or at least no one I can hear.

And then the headphones come off...

2:10 pm. BK: Oh Fumble. Nice. Turnovers. What do we know about that?

211 pm. BK: Now get that Siller guy out of there and put Painter in.

2:11 pm. Me: (sarcastically) So do you think it's that Tiller doesn't know that Painter is a good quarterback.

2:11 pm. BK: He's looking to the future.

2:12 pm. Me: Yeah, I bet that's what he's thinking. He has a quarterback looking forward to the NFL draft who needs to try to impress the scouts, who's been hurt. But, you think he's putting Siller in because he's looking to the future--to a team he probably won't even be coaching?

no response and onto the next random topic...

2:13 pm. BK: "Vanderbilt is once again..."

2:13 pm. Me: Wait--what are you doing?

2:13 pm. BK: I'm talking to Jr.

2:13 pm. Me: You're reading the entire news story from the AP wires...OUT LOUD. We all, including Jr., have it sitting in front of us on our computers.

2:14 pm. BK: "Vanderbilt is once..."

2:14 pm. Me: Wait! Wait! Wait!!! (As I secure my headphones to block out all sound). Now go.

I block out the Vanderbilt news story and watch the games for ten beautiful uninterrupted minutes. But nothing lasts for ever.

2:25 pm. BK: Penn State!

2:25 pm. BK: Didn't Stephanie tell you it was going to be like the Wisconsin game?

2:26 pm. BK: That's the kiss of death right there.

2:26 pm. Jr: The kiss of death was asking you what you thought of it and you agreeing with me.

2:45 pm. BK: Do you like that tie? Does that even go with that outfit?

2:48 pm. BK: Not a fan of Johnny Gilmore's tie (says this on the intercom system to someone out there who must care).

2:49 pm. BK: Uh oh!! Got a loose lion.

2:50 pm: BK: Hey I'm gonna grab some Starbucks before we go on-air. What do you want?

2:50 pm. Jr: A chocolate-banana smoothie.

2:50 pm. BK: I can't order you that! I'll lose four man points just for saying it.

2:50 pm. Me: No comment.

Ahhh at last it's time to get ready for our show which starts in 10 minutes. Peace at last. Peace at last.

What we learned from Week 12 of College Football...or, rather, what I keep saying about Florida

#25 South Carolina 6 at #4 Florida 56.
Urban Meyer handed Steve Spurrier the worst loss of his career at the school he took to a national championship. What I find so interesting about this game is that while Tebow is called Super Man, this game was decided early on by Florida's defense and special teams. To get things started, Florida's Brandon Spikes had a pick six. Next possession, Florida defense came up with another interception and on Florida's immediately following possession, the rushing game came through with the touchdown. Percy Harvin ran it in 26 yards on his way to a 167 yard, two touchdown day. It's shocking that he can do that much damage on just 8 carries. Meanwhile, Tebow ran for just 50 yards and a touchdown on 14 carries. And before the Gamecocks even had the ball on the next possession, they fumbled on the kick off and Florida's special teams recovered. With just five yards to go, Tebow rushed the ball three times in a row for the eventual score. And just like that, Florida was up by 21 points with all of the momentum, thanks to a quarterback, but not Tim Tebow. It was South Carolina's Chris Smelley that helped out Florida the most in the crucial first quarter. It's easy for Tebow to look good on a day like this. Let's face it, last year when Florida's defense was picked apart by the NFL draft and left for dead with the least experienced unit in the country, Florida went 9-4. Tebow had the year of his life and won the Heisman, but Florida as a team did not have such luck. This year, this team looks like they might just be one of the strongest in the country. The difference? Tebow's statistics are down and the defense's statistics are up. So is it really a result of this guy you like to call Super Man? Or is it just easier to make him the face of the Florida team rather than the guys that are out there knocking the opposition to the ground play after play?

College Football Week 12....why sometimes passing doesn't matter.

Juice Williams is quietly becoming a great passing quarterback as he's ranked 13th nationally in passing yards per game. Last year he didn't crack the top 100. This year he leads the best passing offense in the Big Ten. Last year it was the worst. But this year Illinois is 5-5, last year they finished 9-3 in the regular season and represented the Big Ten in the Rose Bowl. Another difference is that last year Illinois ran the ball much more effectively behind Rashard Mendenhall. It's good to see that Williams can pass, but Illinois fans must be somewhat frustrated given the fact that Illinois' success relies heavily on its ground game. This year they only have two games where they have rushed for over 200 yards as a team. Last year they did it in all nine of their wins (and none of their losses). But it's a different game plan as Illinois has taken about 7 of their running plays per game from 2007 and turned them into passing plays in 2008. Good for Williams' pro career, but bad for Ron Zook's.

Jimmy Clausen has taken his passing offense from 110th (where Notre Dame finished in 2007) to 21st thanks in large part to an improved schedule, a year of experience and the fact that he cut his hair. All joking aside, the Irish are looking much better than they did a year ago, but they are still 5-4. As someone who predicted them to finish 6-6, I can't say I'm surprised. I don't care if Clausen is ranked 16th in the nation in passing, I still don't like this offense.

Speaking of quarterbacks I don't like, Matthew Stafford is right behind Clausen up there in the top 20. And it's not that I don't like him, it's just that I think Stafford is over-rated. Georgia has a great team when they're playing official disaster-areas like Tennesse and Arizona State. Many thought Stafford was the messiah who was going to prematurely lead his team to the promised land. But they got the wrong guy. This guy may have a great arm and at times can scramble and make stunning plays, but for the most part he makes bad decisions. Please note, the lone exception to this was last Saturday when Stafford apparently had the game of his life against Kentucky.

Btw, what happened to the "IT" Quarterbacks of 2007, i.e., the guys who finished in the top 15 nationally in passing yards per game? Most graduated. Max Hall and Chase Hollbrook remained. And the Big 12 guys tripled in size. In 2007 they had just two quarterbacks in this group, but this year they have six (and sometimes seven, depending on the week). But fallen are (and injuries the last two weeks to Bacher and Painter are not to blame):
Willie Tuitama 9th
C.J. Bacher 10th
Curtis Painter 12th
Rusty Smith 15th

NFL... and some thoughts from Tyra

Why do I watch football? Because it is a nice break to have the men treated as cattle as opposed to women. Right now The Tyra Banks Show, hosted by a self-proclaimed 34DD with a booty, is showing a segment entitled "Big vs. small breasts and butts." Seriously, those are our issues? Figuring out how our breasts and butts play a roll in society. At least in football their muscles, butts and other physical attributes have a purpose. Stronger butts and legs of course give you more power and help you run, escape tackles, etc.

The episode gets better-- one woman on the panel, sporting 40 DD's, let a man in a bar touch her breasts for everything in his wallet ($600 at the time). Tyra asked the question we all wondered: is that a soft form of prostitution? But I like football because, for the most part, breasts are not involved, other than the gratuitous flashing of the swimsuit models on the sidelines at football games (I know they're supposed to be cheerleaders, but as a former cheerleader myself I fail to see the connection between cheerleading and NFL "cheerleaders").

I guess my real issue isn't that breasts are part of society, it's that we talk about everything incessantly these days and some things are just not worth discussing. Your breasts are small...how do you feel about that?

I think a better question is why is Tyler Thigpen still a free agent in most fantasy leagues? He's been a solid fantasy quarterback in his last three starts. His only other start was in Week 3 when Kansas City still had options at quarterback. Starters one and two, Brodie Croyle and Damon Huard, respectively, were since placed on injured reserve. I looked at several fantasy leagues that all score completely differently and Thigpen's average fantasy quarterback rank was 4.5. Clearly starting material and next week he faces the struggling Saints defense. And there are teams starting quarterbacks like Sage Rosenfels, Shaun Hill, Aaron Rodgers and Jake Delhomme so there's really no excuse for Thigpen to be on the bench at this point. At least in the girls only fantasy league only had team had to start one of those guys.

What we learned from Week 11 of College Football...not much, but a few observations...

Terrelle Pryor was the number one recruit in the country for a reason. As my college football co-researcher Brett pointed out, Pryor glides across the filed while other guys just run. Watching him against Northwestern today, I was impressed by the way he was able to pass down-field and find an open man in situations where many quarterbacks would have thrown the ball away. Beanie Wells looked strong and contributed another 140 yards and two touchdowns. You can tell he's not 100% since the injury he suffered against Youngstown State, but yet he has had 100 yards (or almost 100 yards) in every game this year that he has played in except against Penn State. The Nittany Lions, of course, have the best rushing defense in the Big Ten.

Why do I watch football (this question is slowly becoming my theme)? Because at least they pretend to be real men out there. These guys may not be the Spartans, but the things you see them do in "battle" at least spark up more excitement than what you see on shows like "Two and a Half Men" or "King of Queens." These shows depict men as idiots. My favorite part of the former is that most of the witty lines appear to come from the half-man. Now these observations come exclusively from previews because I can't bring myself to watch the show so if someone else feels differently let me know. But, in general, sitcom Television is saturated with sarcastic, rude statements on society (note, I did not say conversations because they are monologging, not conversing). And while I can appreciate the idea of these shows, my view of society is not as horrid and most men I know are not just complete assholes. Please note, that if you are someone I know and are reading this, do not assume that you fit into the "most men I know" category.

The only show that I can watch that fits this mold is Family Guy. However, what I like about Family Guy is that it is mocking these shows, their characters and their original sources of inspiration and takes the man of the house's idiocies to an extreme to prove that point.

As far as idiocies are concerned, surprisingly Matthew Stafford did not supply any this weekend. Stafford, better known for his interceptions, poor decision making and generally unimpressive performances (at least in my eyes), actually had a pretty great game on Saturday against Kentucky. By far the best game of his career with 376 yards passing, 3 TDs and don't faint, but no interceptions. While Kentucky's defense doesn't shine in the SEC, they don't look too bad overall.

What we learned from Week 10 of College Football...Florida 49 vs. Georgia 10

With all of the talk about Tim Tebow one would think he put up 400 yards of offense, but in reality he passed for just 154 yards and ran for 39. His five touchdowns are what made him the star of all the highlight reels, but that's because they're easy to package and tell a simpler story than the real story that took place this weekend. Florida's defense looked impressive. And Matthew Stafford looked exactly like the quarterback that he is--making poor decisions in not getting rid of the ball and making weak throws that resulted in costly interceptions. He would have had four interceptions had it not been for a Florida penalty that erased his mistake. And Muhammad Massequoi was quite impressive...on defense, stopping more than one of Stafford's mistakes from becoming scores. But in the end, Georgia's four turnovers resulted in 21 Florida points. On the score that put the Gators up 21-3, Tebow got all the glory, but Joe Haden did all of the work with the interception that he returned 88 yards to set his quarterback up for the score.

College Football Preview Week 10 Texas@Texas Tech

The Texas Longhorns must be exhausted after playing #1 Oklahoma, #11 Missouri, #6 Oklahoma State back-to back, but this week doesn’t get any easier for them when they face #7 Texas Tech. Texas and Texas Tech match up pretty evenly on paper. Great passing and scoring offenses, horrible pass defenses and great run defenses (thanks to the lack of running in the Big 12). They are both great teams on achieving first downs and on 3rd down conversions yet both struggle somewhat with penalties. And while neither team compares to the Big Ten in scoring defense (yes, the Big Ten, not the SEC, is the only conference in the nation with three top ten teams in scoring defense), Texas and Texas Tech have the top two scoring defenses in the Big 12, respectively. So why should Texas be worried? 1) Interceptions. Tech may have the 98th worst passing defense in the country but they are an opportunistic unit. They have 14 interceptions on the year (4 more than their total from 2007) and are ranked 3rd in the nation. Luckily for the Longhorns, they don't typically succumb to turnovers and have given up just four interceptions. This is the toughest team on INTs that Colt McCoy will face in the regular season and if he gets through this game unscathed it could mean the Heisman. 2) Passing Offense. For a unit that is ranked 2nd in the country in sacks, Texas expects to get pressure on the quarterback. But Graham Harrell's line has only allowed him to succumb to three sacks this season. They are the best passing offense in the nation and one must wonder how does the Longhorn's 110th passing defense stop them? Not to mention that Tech has an explosive offense that can change the momentum of the game, quickly erase any good your offense may have done and make completions when least expected. But the fact is that even a team like Oklahoma that seemed to have everything going for them still fell to Texas. And Texas has two things going for it that Oklahoma doesn’t: the top scoring defense and the top total defense in the Big 12. Finally, Texas is good at the small but important things such as their performance in the red zone (both offensively and defensively) and their lack of mistakes.

Colt McCoy may not have Harrell's numbers, he is 2nd in the country in passing efficiency with a tremendous 82% completion percentage. Tech is getting 4 points in this match-up but I'm going with Texas. Come on Mack, you did it for me twice before--how about another win?

College Football Preview Week 9: Penn State@Ohio State

The statistics clearly favor Penn State in their game at Ohio State this weekend. Penn State has the best passing defense in the Big Ten, while Ohio State has the worst passing offense and their total offense, scoring offense and passing efficiency don't match up well either. But, then again, the Buckeyes don't typically win because of their offense. In 2002 when they won the national championship, they ranked 92nd nationally is passing offense and 70th in total offense. They also had one of the worst passing defenses in the country that year. Statistics can back up a point, but they can't be the entire point. And, honestly, the more I look at the stats, the more I dislike Ohio State. They're horrible in the redzone and that includes offense AND defense. Penn State scores touchdowns over 72% of the time while Ohio State takes less than 50% in for six. But, despite my better judgment, I'm choosing Ohio State. I think it's probably obvious to mention turnovers as that's the only category the Buckeyes are doing real well in and that just might determine the outcome of this game. Because if you're looking at sacks, tackles for a loss, tackles for a loss allowed, 3rd down conversions, opponent 3rd down conversion--or basically any stat except for turnovers and time of possession, Penn State easily leads the way. I think this can be the year Ohio State makes it back to the Rose Bowl and let Saturday be the beginning. Beanie Wells just better stay healthy for this one.

NFL Injury Update (LADIES Edition)

rodney harrison

It's already a shame that Rodney Harrison is out for the season, but if this is the end of his career, I consider that a huge loss for the NFL. For those of you who aren't familiar with Harrison, he is a safety for the Patriots (New England) and absolutely adorable. My favorite Harrison moment took place during a press conference when his cell phone rang and he looked down at his phone and said "oh, it's my mom." A guy who talks to his mom after work and talks about his day--so sweet. Anyway, he is going to be 36 on December 15, which is getting up there in football years. And now he has re-injured his right thigh and apparently tore the muscle. What the Patriots will miss about him will not be his stats (they haven't been spectacular since he missed almost the entire 2005 season with an injury) as much as his presence... and we will miss his smile. Or, maybe he will turn NFL commentator?!

tom brady

Yes, this makes football a little less entertaining for some of us now that Harrison is lost in addition to his teammate Tom Brady. What is it with good looking guys going down in 2008? Arguably the two hottest quarterbacks in the NFL are out for the season with Brady and Kyle Boller. And while Boller isn't worth having an a fantasy team, even as a back-up, he's still worth watching for other reasons.

kyle boller

To add to the list of hot guys on the sideline, now Reggie Bush looks to be out at least a game. I blame that more on the curse of dating distracting women though (see Kim Kardashian), which is an entirely separate issue. While not the best NFL rusher, Bush adds to his numbers with his receptions and special teams stats. This means that if you are in an individual defensive player (IDP) league then whoever owns Bush gets the benefits of his punt return numbers. But if you just use an entire team for the Defense/Special Team (DST), then whoever owns New Orleans reaps the rewards of his special teams stats. Be sure to distinguish this when having a fantasy conversation. In the league I run as the commissioner it's IDP, but in the all-guys league it's DST and while I have benefited from huge DST points at times, it has failed me at others. On the night in question I was playing against "Browning's $300 Rescue Package" (renamed after the debacle that took place a few posts ago), who I wanted to beat more than you can imagine. The team is owned by E and sometimes I think his main purpose in life is to find ways to torture me. Anyway, it came down to the Minnesota@New Orleans game and specifically, Reggie Bush. I witnessed him kill his own fantasy numbers not once, but twice when he ran back two punts for touchdowns. Not only did I miss out on the touchdown points, but I didn't get a single yardage point for either of those possessions. It was a painful loss to E and it was caused single-handedly by the own person who was supposed to help me.

Another victim of the distractoressa (i.e., high maintenance girlfriend): Tony Romo. I won't include him in the list of hot injured guys, because he's injured, but not hot. That's right, Jessica Simpson, I don't think your boyfriend is hot. You would think someone with your boobs could do so much better. I know he's the all-American Dallas Cowboys quarterback and that he's a generally likeable guy, but I am not on the bandwagon. I appreciate his fantasy stats, but there's something just a little too enthusiastic and "happy to be here" about him that I can't take. And for those of you who don't believe that low-key wives/girlfriends are a factor, just think if you even know what Ashley Manning (Peyton's wife) looks like. People like Romo think it's fun to be a celebrity and therefore date them. People like Peyton Manning think it's fun to be in the Hall of Fame.

tony romo (not hot)

In addition to the hot guys that are out for the season, we also have a fair share of hot guys that are on the bench for the season, namely Brady Quinn and Matt Leinart. Quinn partly brought this upon himself. He wasn't even in contention for the quarterback position in 2007 because he held out for most of training camp and missed the first preseason game. That year Charlie Frye was traded after the first half of the very first game of the year and had Quinn been around to learn the offense and adjust to the NFL that summer he might have had a chance to play. Now, he's just on the bench (look for #10) waiting for Derek Anderson to screw up. As much as Anderson does not seem like a dynamic enough player to lead this team back to the playoffs, he has been impressive at times and is in...for now. As for Leinart, he had his chance and lost it to a 75 year-old quarterback. Kurt Warner is starting in his place because he has a high completion percentage (about 10% better than Leinart) and a much better TD-INT ratio.

brady quinn

matt leinart

At least Trent Edwards is back. No idea who he is? That's okay because he's been injured most of his career, played college ball at Stanford and is in the Gus Frerotte, Matt Cassel, David Garrard range of quarterbacks at the moment. But, he is actually really good looking as my friend, Rachel, and I discovered unexpectedly while watching games a few weeks ago.

trent edwards

And remember, ladies, these guys are just eye candy. Don't get any fancy ideas--leave that work to the reality show stars and Giselle (and, yes, just let the guys continue to think what they want to about the "super model" and we'll just keep our thoughts to ourselves on this one as you know you've had that discussion).

College Football Week 8 What Happened to Michigan?

As bad as the score looked at 46-17. the Michigan @ Penn State game was actually pretty decent. And thinking that Michigan could cover less than four scores seemed like a pretty decent idea into the second half. However, Michigan self destructed thanks in part to an offense that completely fell apart near the end of the 3rd quarter. A safety, followed by good field position, followed by a semi-blocked punt, followed by a sack and fumble, all in a span of 7 minutes led to 19 points and a complete demoralization of the Wolverines. As much as I hate Michigan, this is just disgusting to watch and it makes me wonder what Rich Rodriguez said at half time to make his team hate him so much.

Week 8 College Football Preview Michigan at Penn State

Considering how bad Michigan is this year and how dominant Penn State's offense has been, it's not hard to imagine why there would be a 24 point spread. Last week Penn State demoralized and embarrassed Wisconsin, while Michigan was busy losing to Toledo. Overall Wisconsin ranks ahead of Michigan in Total defense, Scoring defense, Passing defense and Passing Efficiency and they lost by 41 points last week to the Nittany Lions, so what chance do the Wolverines have? By the way, Michigan is also one of the worst teams in turnover margin in the nation. But, they came into the year with 7 starters on defense who faced a prolific offense in Florida last year in the Capital One Bowl. Plus Rich Rodriguez may have a more qualified response to Penn State's creative offense than Wisconsin did. The fact is that Wisconsin allowed turnovers and special teams to kill their chances of even being in the game and I think Michigan will at the very least lose by less than four scores to Penn State.

"Six Years and No Issuess...you see what happens when a chick comes into the league!"

The conversation regarding my fantasy football team getting kicked out of the guys' league and the unpaid debt of my co-owner (http://blondedevils.blogspot.com/2008/10/boys-will-be-boys.html) took an interesting turn today as the entire league became involved. First, I must admit that as frustrated as I was, I laughed my ass off the entire day reading the emails, including the insults hurled at me by Ass, which were quite funny at times. But, after approximately 50 emails back and forth, we received the following email from Pete Stasiewicz, which brings to light how the upcoming election could potentially impact our life and fantasy teams as we know them:

Although it is obvious from the statement above, please note that the following was written by Pete...

This is getting out of hand so I called McCain and BO for their input.

McCain had this to say:

Well, let -- let me say, Pete, thank you. And thanks to CBS Sportsline. And, by the way, our beloved Pacman is on suspension tonight, so our thoughts and prayers are going with you.

Fantasy football owners are hurting right now, and they're angry. They're hurting, and they're angry. They're innocent victims of greed and excess in the baseball league and as well as the football league. And they're angry, and they have every reason to be angry.

And they want this league to go in a new direction.

But we also have to have a short-term fix, in my view, and long- term fixes. Let me just talk to you about one of the short-term fixes.

The catalyst for this fantasy crisis was the baseball league that caused subprime dues-collection situation that now caused the confidence in this league to collapse.

I am convinced that, until we reverse this continued decline in dues payment and put....

...a floor under it, and so that people have not only the hope and belief they can stay in their leagues and realize the American dream of sneaking into the playoffs through the total-points slot, but that they also manage to win against teams selected by robots.

Now, we have allocated $3,220. Let's take $300 of that $3,220 and go in and buy Browning's debt and negotiate with Browning so he can pay that loan, stay in their league.

Now, I know the criticism of this.

'Well, what about the owner that stayed in their league? That paid their dues payments?' It doesn't help that person in their league if the next door neighbor's team is abandoned. And so we've got to reverse this. We ought to put the teamowners first. And I am disappointed that Secretary Mauro and others have not made that their first priority.

******************************

Obama responded:

Well, first of all, I think it's important for the league membership to understand that the $300 rescue package, if it's structured properly, and, as president, I will make sure it's structured properly, means that ultimately team owners get their money back, and that's important to understand.

But there is no doubt that we've been living beyond our means and we're going to have to make some adjustments.

And some of the cuts, just to give you an example, we spend $300 a year on subsidies to Browning. It doesn't help Holzer fill his gaping bye week hole. It's not improving the Detroit Lions offense. It's just a giveaway.

So, look, nobody likes dues. I would prefer that none of us had to pay dues, including myself. But ultimately, we've got to pay for the core investments that make this league strong and somebody's got to do it.

I hope everyone understands why your vote is so important. Our next president might just impact the way we, as a nation, view fantasy football disagreements.

Legal Issues in Fantasy Sports

In my previous entry, I recounted the story of where I was wrongfully kicked out of a fantasy league for something unrelated to me, but as a punishment to my partner for a prior debt that had nothing to do with fantasy football. It makes me wonder, what is the recourse for fantasy football or any fantasy sports if the commissioner does something immoral, unfair or illegitimate? I suppose small claims court would work, but the fee for filing a claim can be prohibitive depending on the amount of the league’s fees. Obviously, paying 100% of the fee in court costs would not make financial sense. The next issue is venue. With leagues that span across the country, would it be valid to sue a commissioner who lives in Illinois for $230 in a New York small claims court? Even if one had standing to bring a case and won the case, it seems that it would be an impossible judgment to enforce. I’m also not sure to what extent you can enforce small claims court judgments and whether or not they extend out of state.

And what rights does a commissioner have to recoup unpaid league fees? As shown in my previous example, apparently not much, or the big firm litigator would have had another option rather than trying to make ME pay for someone else’s fantasy baseball debt.

With the amount of fantasy leagues around the country and the amount of money that is put into the games, I think we need to establish a Fantasy Arbitration Counsel to settle such potential disputes. After all, companies like ESPN.com, CBSSportsline.com and Yahoo.com make enough money from fantasy sports that perhaps they can help prevent potential crimes from the same.

Boys Will Be Boys...

This year I joined an all-guys fantasy football league so I could experience what it was like to compete with all men instead of all women, as I have done for the past seven years as the commissioner of an all-ladies league. What I discovered is that even if you are almost 40 and a partner at a large law firm, you still can act very much like a child. This league I joined was by far the most restrictive league in terms of rules that I’ve ever witnessed. Who doesn’t allow any free agent pick-ups? If you don’t put in a bid by Wednesday night, you’re out of luck, even if there’s a last minute injury. But, I was fine dealing with their stupid rules, dumb team names (other than “I Impregnated Bristol Palin”) and unimaginative team logos…until today.

I originally was invited to join the league because they were looking to have 14 teams and apparently a few people had dropped out from last year, including my friend Browning (keep in mind for later relevance). At some point the commissioner of the league started harassing Browning, questioning how he could turn his back on seven years of fantasy football with the league. Browning emailed me about it and wished me luck with their 15 page constitution, 14-teams, a draft that takes almost 4 hours and the impending nightmare of finding a running back. Feeling bad that he might miss out on so much joy, I asked him whether or not he was considering playing. He responded that it would only be as a hands-off adviser/consultant. I thought it might be fun to have someone to discuss moves and players with, so I decided to take him on as a partner. It, of course, was still my team and I paid the entire $230 league fee with my own personal pink check.

Unbeknownst to me, Browning had an outstanding debt for the fantasy baseball league he played in with some of these guys last spring. It was due in March/April and Ass (he’s the commissioner of both leagues and that’s the abbreviation for his team name and no, I’m not making this up) failed to collect it from him for over seven months. But today, October 15, Ass decided that he absolutely had to have the $300 owed to him and his league. For the record, Ass is a partner at a major law firm in Chicago so that $300 is the equivalent to about 30 minutes of his time. But apparently to Ass, $300 is a lot of money because he complained about it to me on the phone for an hour and 16 minutes. And, no, I won’t bother pointing out the obvious irony.

Ass was horrified to learn that my fantasy partner and I didn’t discuss intimate details of our lives and previous dealings such that I wouldn’t know about the baseball debt. I’m now starting to wonder if I should have told Browning about the outstanding amount owed on my Saks charge. Nonetheless, Ass said that as partners we were tied together and that I was liable for him. I explained to the great litigator, who apparently doesn’t understand corporate law, that partners are liable for each other to the extent it concerns the partnership—not for things outside the partnership. And fantasy baseball, my dear, is outside of the fantasy football partnership. Again, if this holds true and Browning will pay my Capital One bill this month or even my rent, I would be really happy to front the $300 for the baseball league in exchange!

Despite logic and the fact that Ass is the one that technically failed to collect the money from Browning and that there are several different solutions to recoup the $300 so that the burden didn’t fall on one single person, he thought that the right thing to do was to make the girl who had nothing to do with the fantasy baseball league pay for it. Ass’s solution was to kick my team out of the league and keep my $230. By the way, I’m currently in 3rd place out of 14 teams and my team is looking even better now that Braylon Edwards is back up to par.

Ass then decided an even better way to make money would be to auction off my team because it’s actually that good that someone might pay well above the $230 entrance fee for it and that way he could recoup some of the baseball money. To that I thought “That’s right, my team, picked by a girl, is so good that someone might want to pay $400 after 6 weeks of football for it.” But I responded, “Seriously? You are a partner at a large law firm and you are upset over $300 that you might have to divide with the guy who won $1800 this year and the other weekly winners, which puts it at about $20 per person? Seriously?”

Well, apparently Ass was serious. Boys will be boys, but when did rich men become cheap babies? How does this end? Well, I find it completely disrespectful and I don’t care if Browning pays his debt or not. I quit this league.

As for my pretty pink $230 check, too bad you didn’t cash it yet because my bank canceled it…for free… as a courtesy to me.

Nebraska@Texas Tech Week 7 Preview

If you think that Nebraska’s defense is bad now at 82nd and just entering the heart of the Big 12 schedule, just know that the Black Shirts finished 112th last year. Bo Pelini has a lot of work to do and so far has improved his team by 30 spots. But that could all change this week against Texas Tech. Missouri beat Nebraska in embarrassing fashion 52-17 last week. And perhaps because Pelini came from the SEC, Nebraska’s passing defense has declined somewhat due to the fact that he isn’t used to facing quarterbacks who can actually throw the ball.

A 7th ranked Texas Tech team is favored to win by just 20.5 over Nebraska. The reason why it is “just” over 20 points is because most people don’t respect Tech and perhaps it’s because of the extremely easy schedule thus far. But opponents are scoring just 18.5 points per game while the offense is averaging over 48 points. You never know what is going to happen with Nebraska and as likely that it is that they could get completely blown out in this game the way they did last week, I like Nebraska, especially if you can do a first half bet.

Arkansas@Auburn Week 7 Preview

I'm curious why the 103rd ranked scoring offense in the nation began as a 19 point favorite this week in the match-up against Arkansas? Furthermore, their pass offense is 104th, which is why offensive coordinator, Tony Franklin, was fired less than 10 months after he was hired to implement the spread offense at Auburn and improve a unit that finished 103rd last year. That's right, they actually got worse.

Arkansas may have lost the last three games to Alabama, Texas and Florida by huge margins (an average of 36 points), but those are three very good teams. Plus, 21 of Alabama's 35 point win came as a result of four turnovers. With that said, I suppose if you do the math, Auburn beat La. Monroe 34-0 and Arkansas beat them 28-27, then Auburn should win by 33 points. But this Auburn team was given all of its credit this year based on what it was thought Tony Franklin could do with its offense--and as that has now officially backfired, I am picking Arkansas to cover in this game.

Fantasy Football Thoughts for Week 6

Fantasy Thoughts for Women Week 6 (note: if you are man, please scroll down to the bottom)

Chances are that the last month has not been a great one for any of you out there (unless you’re one of those people who typically has bad luck, then, of course, please know that this is just a façade). Mercury is in Retrograde once again and reeking havoc on everything from communicating, thinking, processing information and making decisions to the internet, cell phones and television to traveling, finances and learning. Basically, changes, frustration, blockages and aggravation. The good news is that if your life appears to be a mess and you can’t make a decision to save it, Mercury will start moving in the right direction in about a week and completely back to normal after Halloween. The bad is that every year the beginning of football season is plagued by Mercury Retrograde, thus affecting our line-ups and perhaps even our drafts. This is where your intuition really has to come into play because all of the information we are getting from the Internet, radio and television is severely tampered with during this time. While Mercury didn’t appear to start moving backwards until September 24^th, we have been impacted by the slowing down, stopping and reversal of the planet since September 4^th. With that in mind, I would suggest not making any impulsive fantasy football decisions during this time and try to really look at this year’s events as rationally as possible.

First, do not freak out about LaDainian Tomlinson. Sure Darren Sproles had more fantasy points than he did this week, but that’s thanks to special teams. LT was held by Miami to just 35 yards this week. But keep in mind, Miami has the 7^th best rushing defense. And while I would normally attribute a turnaround from the last ranked rush defense in the league in 2007 to the top 10 after just 4 weeks of play in 2008, I’m giving credit here to the arrival of Bill Parcels and his 3-4 scheme. This is what he does. With that said, I might say that Miami beating New England and San Diego back-to-back has something to do with the planetary influence.

Regardless, I know that none of you LT owners would even consider trading him so the worst that can happen is that you bench him in favor of Sproles or someone similar against New England this weekend. Logic might tell you that he isn’t the best start this week—but Mercury Retrograde should tell you that this is the week to start him.

Speaking of New England, if Kevin Faulk is available you can pick him up on waivers or as a free agent, but don’t let his two touchdowns against Kansas City’s 31^st ranked rush defense persuade you to thinking you could ever use him in your line-up in a situation that’s anything less than desperate. Bill Bellichick messes with our heads and this committee situation has effectively eliminated Patriot running backs as fantasy starters.

As for Michael Turner, this may turn out to be an illusion as well. Turner has been anointed as a fantasy stud and while I love that he’s found success in Atlanta, I recommend keeping an eye on his opponent from week to week:

Opponent	Opp Rush Def Rank	Turner’s yds	Opp Rush TD Def Rank	TurnerTDs
Week 1 v. Detroit	30th horrible	220 yds	27th horrible	2 TDs
Week 2 @ Tampa Bay	14th average	42 yds	1st excellent	0 TDs
Week 3 v. Kansas City	31st horrible	104 yds	31st horrible	3 TDs
Week 4 @ Carolina	13th average	56 yds	3rd excellent	0 TDs
Week 5 @ Green Bay	27th horrible	121 yds	17th average	1 TD
Week 6 v. Chicago	4th great	X	12th above average	Y

My guess for the values of X and Y are:

X = around 50 yards

Y = 0 touchdowns

Fantasy Thoughts for Men Week 6:

If you don’t own LaDainian Tomlinson, try to trade for him now. You can get him for a bargain—be sure to mention his injury and how San Diego has fallen from grace. This is the time to make a move with the loss to Miami still fresh. Also add that Darren Sproles had more fantasy points last week.

Pick up Kevin Faulk if you can get him cheap or for free—and trade him to someone else. He doesn’t have a huge upside in New England’s back-by-committee system. And someone will be desperate enough to take a chance on him, especially in a 14 team league.

Keep enjoying Michael Turner’s success if you have him, but keep in mind that he might start to fade in Week 8. Other than Denver in Week 11 and perhaps New Orleans, he is going to face some pretty decent rush defenses. Gone are the days of facing the 27th, 30th and 31st ranked rushing defenses. If you have any specific needs, you may be able to get a pretty valuable package in exchange for Turner.